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02 November 2009 @ 09:56 am
I don't know him. I don't know anything about him. But the fact that happened. The sweet cuddling, the kissing, really just sent me swooning. Not for him, but for that attention. I've forgotten how much I missed that. How good that feeling makes you feel. And it's just frustrating to me, because typically I'm a very independent person, and I'm always about me. But as soon as anything romantic or anything like that gets in the way a switch is flipped, and I become a totally different person. A very codependent, attention seeking person. Which, I guess, I kind of forgot I get like that. And I don't like it. I've gotten so used to being how I always am, and this happens, and it just rocks my world. I feel needy. Like I need that attention some more and more and more. And I haaaaate that. I don't want be starving for attention. But, I really am. And I've just put that so far back on the burner, I completely forgot about it.

So that's where I am now. And it sucks. Ugh.
11 August 2009 @ 01:41 am
I don't like this waiting game, whatsoever. It's funny how attached you can get to someone. It's actually funny how I allowed myself to get attached to someone. To let them in. I rarely do this. I like to pick and chose who I want in and out of my life, and how much I actually want to give them. Sometimes, though, without thinking I tend to do it to someone whom I least expect.

Not that that is a bad thing because it's most definitely not.

I thought I was fully aware of my feelings and how I felt but not until this extended leave of unexpected absence occurred, then I was truly certain of how far I had really gotten myself into this.

My evenings have been full of lost hope.

You never know how much someone means to you or how much they really impact your life. Even if it is for a few short hours a day, until they are gone and aren't quite sure of their return.

And the messages being left back and forth, playing this "computer tag" just adds on to the dreadfully mopey mood I've been in.

Here I am, awaiting your return. To able to grace my presence with your snide, crude remarks but also your inexplicably sweet ones.

Necktie :( 
It's funny because day in and day out I am exactly the same person. I am equally rude, funny, bitchy, and sarcastic. There is never one day where one pulls a little farther ahead than the other. I am consistent on a daily basis. So it makes me wonder why people expect something else out of me from time to time. Like one day I am just going to wake up and just be a total cunt and hate the world or wake up and and act like this is my last day alive and I'm just going to be the sweetest and nicest person to everyone.

No. Never will this happen.

So when the conversation came about me sharing my birthday party (Which by the way has a killer theme, and I'm super stoked for it.) and having the suggestion of sharing with another friend, of course I, was a total bitch about it. Looking back I don't regret how I answered the question (With the person there mind you.) or if I managed to hurt anyone's feelings. I have a very large mouth and I say things I probably shouldn't  but I do anyways. This is my typical nature. I never do anything normally. I always have to go about it my own way. So when the words "Hell no! Fuck that!" came out of my mouth everyone seemed to be quite appalled. Which in turn appalled me.

So really, I didn't give them anything shouldn't have already been expected. Because it totally was.

I'm a heartless bitch. There's no news there. And why would I want to share one of the biggest (hopefully) birthday parties of my life with someone, honestly.
09 August 2009 @ 03:27 am
When I can't sleep. Due to whatever reason that may be, I find myself thinking about certain instances whether they be past, future, or the present that in no way help me finally get to that peaceful slumber that I so well deserve.

I want to smash my own head into a windshield I get so irritated with myself.

Why do I have to sit and think about possible life changing situations that are no way bettering my chances of sleeping. Better yet, why do I tend to think about them at 3am in the morning? Seriously, the cars outside and I are about to have a marvelous date.
Current Mood: uncomfortableuncomfortable
Current Music: Lovegame, Lady Gaga